Humbug

Is it my imagination or is it the case that this near-Christmas time newspapers and magazines are filled wih stuff about how to enjoy the festival more than ever before? There are "ways to enjoy Christmas", "drinks to buy", "the best food to eat" and, of course, "the ten things to make the festival a success".
Here are my ten thing to make Christmas bearable.
1. Get yourself invited to someone's home so that they do the cooking etc.
2. Buy loads of booze and hide the good stuff.
3. If you feel like going for a walk, perhaps suggested by a family member who is younger than you and wishes to "breathe the fresh air of Winter", sit down until the feeling goes away.
4. Don't buy presents because they cost too much and often are not wanted; buy vouchers so that they can buy what they want - if you have lots of money buy from Next and M&S and W.H.Smith; if not buy vouchers from What!
5. Don't kiss anyone - they may have swine flu. Don't even kiss your wife/girl friend/partner - they may have kissed someone with swine flu.
6. Do something you don't usually do, for fun, like have a bath.
7. If invited to a party you don't want to go to, tell them you have swine flu.
8. If you go to the pub for a pint, take enough money for the pint and no more: "Dammit, I've left my wallet at home."
9. Before turning in on Christmas night, say your prayers (as a back-up) and drink a bottle of your favourite wine - one of those you'd hidden away.
10. If you don't want to follow any of the above pieces of advice, book a holiday in some country that doesn't celebrate Christmas - like Pakistan or Iran.